A really good friend of mine wrote me today...she reconnected with a flame from her high school, more or less randomly through Facebook. They had a small thing going as they were leaving HS, but they lost contact as people do.
She explained the situation to me, and asked me for my advice. I couldn't help but notice the absolute joy in her tone...she has always wanted the picket-fence...the partner in life, the children. She looks and yearns very hard for that.
Anyways, I immediately was triggered by, basically the entire explanation.
After they lost contact, he got with someone local, and they had a child. They are no longer together, because of how crazy the girl was, apparently. This guy tells my friend that he has always loved her. Has always pined after her, and wants nothing more to marry her and start a relationship with her RIGHT NOW. (typical A manipulation)
He told her that she is the key to him becoming a better man...he needs her to help him turn his life around. (Projection)
He spent time in prison for beating up the girl he had a child with, but he tells my friend that it was all lies, and he did nothing wrong. (yeah right-manipulation)
My friend looked him up, and he's had multiple DWI's, the last one only a year ago.
My friend knows what I went through with my AW. She knows many of the gritty details of the hell I went through. It surprised me greatly that she seemed so oblivious to (what seemed really obvious to me) how bad of an A this guy is. I get it though...she wants to be in love, she is blinded by it right now. She found someone that is professing love that he has felt for over a decade, anyone would be on cloud nine after hearing that.
I told her what I thought. I was nice about it, and tried to get across the details of the A behavior that is alarmingly obvious to me. I told her to run away as fast as she could.
Then, I told her I knew she wouldn't. I basically said that I know she is going to pursue this no matter what I said...but that she needs to please just go into it knowing all the things to look out for, the things that she might be too in love right now to see clearly. Especially...to not give him her trust until he's earned it.
It's just so saddening to see someone you care about walk right into a situation that can (and will) fail horribly by its very nature. To a much lesser extent, it's almost like feeling the helplessness that I felt when I was trying to get my AW to be sober, before I realized that it was futile and ultimately extremely harmful to me.
At least now I have learned enough to be able to say my peace, and step back to watch the nightmare unfurl.
Thanks for listening to me "get it out". Peace to all.