Kboys

So I guess I finally have made myself clear enough, and I haven't backed down yet. AH called about an apartment, and apparently he's going to be able to move in tonight. He has no money, and doesn't get paid until tomorrow, but even that won't be enough to cover the deposit and rent, so I'm really not sure how that's supposed to work, but he talks a good game, so guess he was able to work it.

I know at this point it is the right thing to do. I have given him chance after chance, and have gotten my hopes up over and over, only to be disappointed. I know I don't want to live this way anymore, so I know it's the right thing. I know nothing is going to change if nothing changes.

I worry about my ability to stay strong and not give in to him. But so far today he has made it pretty easy. He hasn't argued, or tried to convince me. He just left and said "I love you." And he's coming by to get some things after work. He's finally sober this morning after five days of a non-stop binge.

I also worry, as horrible as this sounds, that he will actually succeed on his own without me. He will have to pay rent and his own bills, and won't be able to count on me for that, so he will have to save his paychecks instead of spending them on vodka and at the bar, in order to maintain his own residence. Will he actually be able to do that? I doubt it, at least not for long, but I don't know. My hope is that he does, and that we are able to eventually have a relationship again. But what if he succeeds and finds someone else in the mean time? Then he will have been right all along, that all his problems were my fault.

I know in my head that's not true. He has made his own decisions, and I have done the best I could do, in a really really difficult situation, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if maybe I had done things differently, he wouldn't have drank so much, or wouldn't have cheated...
Oh man... just trying to stay strong.
Thank you to anyone who is reading