Originally Posted by LadyM87

I made it from August 13, 2014 to September 6, 2014 with no contact to my ex.

He showed up at my door. Un-invited and unannounced. I put on a brave front and shooed him away. I was with friends. But it shook me to my core. I was shaking so I had a drink to calm down. I attempted to enjoy the rest of my evening with my friends but I just couldn't. I wondered what had brought him to my door, and if he was ok? He claimed he had money for me, but when I asked him to show the money he didn't have it – but he was starting a new job and wanted to pay me back what he owes me. I had let go of the money already for time. I had began to move on with my life. Not looking for a relationship but enjoy mild flirtations with a few men to boost my self-esteem a little, looking forward, positive into my future- but a void still existed – it’s almost as if his presence was calculated – see the week prior I had been missing him in the mornings – he wasn’t all bad, he used to wake me up each morning with a coffee, and rub my back, he’d make me breakfast n send me off to work in a good mood (when things were good…)

So after the friends had left, I began slipping… I downloaded an app on my phone that would change my number …. I texted him…. I asked if he was OK and he called me, I yelled at him, I told him I hated him and he told me he just wanted to make me smile like had once before… he said all he had to offer me was sex but he knows I’m a horndog… he knows I love the way he ***** me.

Being slightly intoxicated, I caved almost immediately, I told him – fine, just sex no ********. We spent an amazing night together, he tried to tell me he was getting better, I pushed it away… he tried to tell me he was sorry and he loved me and I dismissed it. The next day he dropped me off and I left it at that. The sex was great and I felt good … god knows why… but that wasn’t the last of it… The next day he msgd me, “this song from me to you – Feel the Effect – Tokyo Police Club” …. **** man- brought tears to my eyes.

We talked on and off for the next week or so – even argued a little – because there is no way in hell I’d forgive him for all the **** he had done to me (lie, cheat, steal, abuse etc…), and I left it. I left it alone – and I deleted the app so he couldn’t contact me. Come the weekend I became curious, and again he had sent me more songs, pulling on my heartstrings. He invited me over to his house and I went like a fool, he made me dinner and we had amazing sex all night long again.

And again all week we msgd on and off, and again we argued a little. Finally I told him to stay away from me I couldn’t handle this and he needed to stop – he insisted he had my best interest at heart… we argued a little and I left I alone and low and behold he showed up at my door, this time with money. I sat in his car with him for an hour, listening to his antics about how he wanted to give me the best of him, and as he finds the best of him he will give it to me, he insisted he loves me and slowly he’s becoming the better person I deserve from him, that all he wants is to make me smile, all he wants to give me what I deserved from him all along. Saturday night, I gave him a text a quote I really enjoyed to show my support (and cause I’m ******* sucker….)

“do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.” Ayn Rynd

… amazing author and an amazing quote for those battling addictions… that message spiraled into a whole convo about him being depressed and alone, he seemed drunk. He missed my cat- he always did have a special bond with that cat, and the cat misses him … I know he does… so he asked if he could have the cat for a week. I said no, I said he could come visit but it wouldn’t be fair to my kitty to confuse him like that. (plus I don’t trust my ex at all to return the cat...) So Sunday morning he shows up – and jumps into bed with me… we did not have sex this time. I let him play with the cat and …. The cat was not as forgiving as I was, he was hesitant and as much as I knew shadow missed my ex, he was very standoffish and would not go to him as he once did.

He took me for breakfast, and dropped me back off at home. My texting app started glitching and sending him msgs I had already sent and that’s when **** hit the fan – I told him a few weeks ago, I hated him and couldn’t believe how selfish he had been and the glitchy app resent this message and so started the biggest fight….

I need him out of my life – one day he loves me the next day he hates me…. One day he promises the world but the next day he’s drunk all over again.

How can I let go of this? How can I get rid of him? I’m such a wreck because of him. I KNOW that I need to cut all contact but it is hard. Soooo hard… before all I did was change my number and knew not to msg him from my phone cause then he’d have my number but now that there’s this APP on my phone… even when I delete it, all I have to do is redownload it and sign in and I can see any msgs or calls I’ve missed since the last time I downloaded… I need strength … I even told myself this morning “DO NOT LOG INTO THE APP UNLESS U WANT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT…..” I lasted til about 10:00 AM and off we went again in our vicous text wars,…. He pisses me off so much…. He calls me delusional and unbalanced because I have trouble understanding how he could do all these awful things to me and then come tell me he loves me…. Like I want to let go, I NEED to let go but I can’t.

I feel doomed. I feel so doomed that I will never ever get over this guy – because I see beyond his mental illness, I see beyond his addiction and alcoholism…. I see him for who he is underneath it all but that’s not who he is…. He’s the diamond in rough, but the rough is alcohol and cocaine, and it makes him so ****** up and I can’t stand around for this ride…. I hate how he flips things and makes it MY fault…. That I’m the one that is NOT sane, I’m the one that is CRAZY …. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not the picture of mental health….. but I’m not wrong here… he’s nuts… .he’s up and down always with his games…

I pull away and he comes begging me for more….I give in and appease his ego and he yells at me like I’m garbage because I won’t forgive him for how he treated me. He lacks responsibility and he WILL NOT CHANGE. Why do I constantly do this to myself? WHY do I keep letting him in? Why am I already so tempted to download this APP and talk to him …. How can I stay away? How I can avoid him? What does it take … Please I know I’m not alone….. how do you get rid of them?!?!? How Do I heal??? How do I move on??? I know the answer – NO CONTACT but how to accomplish this?? It’s just driving me insane…. I feel so ashamed and ****** about myself…. What will it take for me to realize? This dude may care about me but ultimately everything he says and does is clouded by his addictions….. everything … and that means he will eliminate me when I’ve served my purpose. He will use and abuse to no end. And it’s my own damn fault for letting him back in time and time again. Please how do we cope? How do we move on? How do we rebuild???