Community of friends and fellow survivors - I can't tell you how helpful your perspectives and experiences have been. I feel so much better even now 24 hours after my post hearing that I am not alone in these feelings. I wish I could reply to each and every post as I benefited from something that each and every one of you had to say -
The point about the validation really hit home. I think the validation would help some of the anger dissipate. But as many of you have pointed out why should I need him/his family to validate my feelings? And if he didn't do it while we were married he certainly won't do it now!
jmartin and other friends - it is validating to hear that you feel the empathy for this experience on my behalf - that helps a ton! It confirms that I am not crazy to feel that way :-) I think part of this dance has been the crazy-making that the A/narcissist/abuser/whatever label fits brings into our lives and makes us doubt our perceptions. I am SO angry at myself for putting up with it/accepting it/ not protecting myself - I think I've been afraid to face up to that disappointment of letting myself down in this situation and the denial of the situation helped me protect myself from those feelings for so long.
Punchdrunk - I literally have only felt the anger - really felt it - for the first time in 6 years this past weekend. I remember experiencing certain things and telling my family about it and my brothers were angry on my behalf and I was just sad and self-blaming. Feeling this anger is a bit scary but liberating in a way. As several posters have pointed out it is part of the process. I think you will tap into it eventually when the time is right for you.
In the meantime as I've gone public with the news of the divorce (changed my name at work last week so lots of questions have come up as to why even though it should have been obvious!) I have had the chance to practice different answers. Sometimes I am quiet and say it didn't work out. Other times I've said the alcohol played a role. And other times I said the affair. I realized that I was ashamed about the alcohol abuse and the affair and so part of telling that element of the story is empowering to me in not hiding it anymore. I realized that I''m not the one who did those things so what do I have to be ashamed about?
I am starting to see the point about being thankful that he is gone. After being separated for 4 months now I'm finally enjoying the peace and quiet at home and the relief of not having to wonder each and every day about his ETA from the bar, his mood etc.
And I think those of you who have pointed out that it is not likely to be a fairy tale for him are spot on. The key is for me to detach so much that I don't care whether it is or is not a fairy tale. I'm working on that:-)
This is an amazing community. I'm sorry we all have had these experiences but please know that those of you who have posted have really helped me over the past 24 hours process my racing thoughts on this and my feelings.
c011:
