I drink so I can deal with life. Feeling all the feelings is hard work.
that's a really good understanding, Emily.
and it points to the way out right there: you need to find new and different ways. most of us here have had to find other ways to deal with life. drinking is your solution to everything/life, and your solution isn't working.
are you still at your brother's place and what is your plan now that you see you don't have control?