End of day 5. It has been a long, long day.
I have my mom living with me, whom I have supported with a place to live for many years now. She is very fond of
stuff. There are contractors here working on the condo and they had to do some work in her bedroom, so
everything got moved out into the main living area, creating a mere half-person-sized walk way through the maze of
things. (I remember rooms like this from my childhood.) Well, the contractors are doing a very iffy job and I can't be here to supervise because I have to work all the time. I am frustrated because my mom expects me to do so much that she refuses to do and one of her favorite pastimes is complaining and "reminding." >
She jokes to people that I'm the mother and she's the daughter because of the roles we play. All I wanted was for her to explain to the contractors what they need to do differently because I can't be here to do it. Ugh. I can't miss anymore work because I have already lost so many days being "ill" due to horrible hangovers or running other errands that had to be done during work hours. I really wish I had more help sometimes, and I feel so alone. This is too much for me right now in my delicate state.
I really wanted to drink today in the midst of all of this. This is a major trigger for me - using to "cope." or adjust my mood so I can "deal" with things. Such chaos and stress makes my head want to explode and I become highly irritable. I know that the beers will ease that tension and anger.
Temporarily Sigh.. but that's a bottomless pit... full of despair and physical and emotional pain. No matter how much I drink, I will always, always, always want more. It is such a short term mask, creating a downward spiral in the rest of my life. Even the effects I seek are probably only valid for a small percentage of the time when you consider the rest of the time is either spent in a futile struggle to try to maintain some kind of "control" as to not make a fool out of myself in a drunken haze, time forgotten or fuzzy from blackouts (looking back, so much life wasted there), or time spent feeling dreadful and recovering from the prior night's "medication" session. Why does that sound so good sometimes??? That makes no sense whatsoever! How my addiction lies to me...
So, instead I went to the gym to get out of the house. Brought my earphones and watched some Futurama as I exercised. Then, I went out and bought myself a new pair of yoga pants and some body spray. Looking in the mirror at the store, I was very unhappy with who I saw peering back at me, and I felt reassured that I had made the right decision and was on the right path.
I have to say though, I feel dangerously close to the edge.