Hi Tipsy
I can very much relate to your situation. I suffer from rather severe social anxiety and for almost 10 years I used drugs and alcohol to connect with and to meet other people, it worked quite well for many years (I met all of my long term partners when I was totally smashed) but then the drugs and booze became a huge problem in themselves and got me into a lot of trouble. The good started to outweigh the bad and I became more and more out of control.
I ended up in court appointed rehab for 6 months, during which time I got totally clean and sober, it took me about 3-4 months of quite bad anxiety and lots of effort on my part, before I started to be able to relate to to other people well, and without booze or drugs to help my unhealthy self-obsession and anxiety. During that time I did therapy, went to regular NA and AA meetings (my worst nightmare, but I did it!), I learnt to mediate and I pushed myself into social situations, and even when they went bad and left me wanting to disappear I sucked it up and went back. That's what it took for me to get to a space where I could do connect enjoyably with other people on a regular basis.
I hear your frustration about just wanting to feel 'normal', all I can say is that if it wasn't for being forced to be clean and sober through court, I never would of thought it was possible for me to feel 'normal', but after giving my brain a break and doing a lot of the right things for myself, I came good.
I hope you find the same on your path as I did on mine. Getting clean and sober was the best thing I ever did in my life. I hope you find the strength to do the same.
I'm also very sorry for your loss.