Thanks Dee.
I believe I need to participate more actively in my recovery. Go back to meetings would probably be good. I never was able to muster up the courage to talk, but it did help to listen. When I started relapsing last year, I hadn't been to a meeting or on SR in about 2 months, got swept up in life. Forgot the importance of it and thought I could be a normal drinker. I work a lot and always make the excuse that I am too tired to do anything after work. Lately, it seems like doing anything is a chore and I have no sense of purpose. Clearly very depressed. I'm so sad right now. Crying. I wish so bad that I could just be normal and not an addict. It's so tiring that these thoughts about alcohol haunt me so much all the time. I seriously think death would be better than how I am feeling right now. Got to hold on to that and use it. It's so easy to forget 2 or 3 days from now. I got into counseling because I thought it would help to get some individualized help and I find it easier to speak one on one rather than in a large group, but I have found after 2 sessions that my therapist isn't very helpful. She just wants to go through her remedial paper packets full of information that you could easily find on the internet and not actually listen. I think I'm going to have to fire her. I told her I don't have panic attacks, but she insisted on wasting our time reading about it. I admittedly came home and drank right after our session last week. I think I am struggling with the idea of making the walk of shame back into my favorite meeting I dropped out of. I am sure the ones that remember me will be able to tell right away.