Well.... I imploded yesterday (I think that's the right word).
No we don't get a new half time employee and instead they want an "outside person" to review work load, etc.
I cried in front of my boss. Because my pattern that I need to fix is that the first place I go is insecurity, paranoia, and helplessness, overwhelmed.
Then I went to frustration .... then anger.
I know it goes against common belief, but in anger mode I actually think more clearly and express myself more concisely and make more progress toward a goal. I hope that in time I can do that without the previous stages and without anger having to be a part of it.
Despite my paranoia that it's a set up to get fired (and believe me ... that is really not the case!) I met a second time with my boss and told him that the result of my request for a 1/2 time position is 5 major projects to be done upon my return from vacation that I don't have time to do and are outside my "skill set" and that my request for the extra help resulted in increasing the stress on me at work by a huge amount.
He is working on me with how to do this in a reasonable manner ... one step at a time with firm deadlines. Frankly it still means in order to get through this I will have to work over vacation on meeting "goal one" ... at least it is manageable.
My SIL is already laying the ground work to not come on Monday to take me to the doctor and for my shot. It's ok cause I am **.9999... percent certain I will do what is needed.
I don't want people to "take care of me" or make me not responsible ... but it does seem to me that asking for physical F2F help only makes people look at me as an infant and never really results in the help I need....
OK Whine over ... I let myself be derailed yesterday at work so things won't be as good as I had hoped when I leave for vacation, but it's doable. And I will step up to the plate and meet my responsibilities... I don't know what else to say
I will be smiling today, regardless of anything, and do what needs to be done
