djayr

I have lurked and posted on these boards for years. I am now divorced from XAW after 16 years of drama and heartache. She has a cycle: daily vodka drinking to the point of death/starvation, going to the hospital, recovering, only to fall off the wagon weeks/months later - lather, rinse, repeat. I moved out in May 2012 so my life has been more sane for quite a while.

We are friends and I express concern and support for her regularly. I am her source of income (thanks to a big divorce settlement), and I am there to help her with financial planning and decisions, if she asks. So we have stayed in touch and she lives in an apartment about 20 minutes away from me. We talk 1-2 times per week.

Since we separated, there have been 2-3 cycles of hospital / recovery / relapse, but this latest episode in July was really ugly. Liver failure, pancreatitis, swollen belly (she went from 85 lbs to 130 lbs from water weight) -- these put her into a PAINFUL situation and at one point the hospital put her in a nursing home. She just turned 45 this month.

Long and short, she almost died, but in the end recovered after more than 30days in facilities. As usual, she got home frail and weak but was totally unwilling to work a program, go to AA, attend any kind of support group, and certainly not leave her 5 cats to go away to come kind of inpatient facility. I have never been able to get her to do that.

Getting to my main point, she lasted for about one month sober, and now she's back off the wagon. Once she starts, it is every day from that point forward, so here we go again.

I tried to support her sobriety and I even took her to the Renaissance Faire which is her favorite thing to do. But I have no interest in romance, rekindling, NOTHING. I was hurt badly by her (she cheated on me that's what really ended it), I don't trust her to stay sober, or to be honest about anything whatsoever -- so it's over. I just want to be friends and I have always been clear about that the past few years.

The day of the Renaissance, XAW started asking me a lot of questions about a woman I have been dating for 8 months. She asked if I loved this woman, how serious is it, if we are having sex, etc. - and I said that's private and I'm not really sure where it's all going.

Now it appears that XAW resumed drinking shortly thereafter, and I just heard through backchannels that the reason XAW is reportedly drinking is because I "came over and told her all kinds of stories about my girlfriend and that got to her". I know I didn't cause it, but apparently I am being accused of causing it.

The saddest thing to me, is that XAW has completely forgotten her doctor's orders, completely forgotten the incredible PAIN she endured ("10 out of 10" with the pancreatitis), completely forgotten her many promises, essentially saying SCREW IT and picking up the bottle.

She only weighs about 90 lbs and once she gets going on the bottle her terrible symptoms and problems will recur - and my concern is this time, she might have the goal of drinking herself to death. I have always felt she had a will to live and would pick herself up rather than die, but now I am starting to wonder. Then I go back to wondering, is there something I could have done differently to make this woman love herself enough to want to live rather than die?

This disease is so terrible. I know there are stories of recovery and redemption, and I felt I was living those stories on multiple occasions throughout my life. But I don't see a happy ending in this case. Is this XAW's final revenge on me? One last permanent guilt trip to put on me via her swan song drinking performance, suggesting that I could have saved her "if only" . . . if only what?

I gave her all the love and attention I could muster and it was never enough. There was never enough devotion, communication, expressions of love, dates, getaways, vacations, time together just the 2 of us. She tapped into me to bolster her own self image and in the end I couldn't keep her battery charged -- in fact I got so drained I almost lost myself.

I have been mourning this woman's death for over a decade. Each time she gets close to dying, I pray and beg God (and her) -- NO, please no, it doesn't have to go down this way.

As always, I don't know what's going to happen, but usually when I have feeling about something (like her now giving up on life), I am right. So what am I supposed to do? I can't detach much more than being divorced, having my own place, having a life / job / friends / family / girlfriend / support groups / church /etc.

So I am detached but maybe there is no way to permanently detach. I can't go no contact, that seems cruel to me. Getting divorced and dismantling our life was all the tough love and consequences I could dish out and in the end it hasn't forced a bottom for her. I think her bottom is going to be DEATH and to be honest, I will probably be relieved because then I can just cry and cry and cry, to bring some closure to this sad story alcoholic story.