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Old 09-06-2014, 07:03 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
evenkeel
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Iowa
Posts: 42
Thanks for the input. Nwgrits, I did a lot of pondering overnight on what you said about being dragged around and realized that's exactly what's happening. I greatly reduced my contact with her family and stopped enabling her drinking a long time ago. Now it's just this overwhelming feeling of "I can't take anymore" in regards to hearing about the insanity and getting dragged into it.

I internalized a long time ago that I can't control or change anyone else's behavior. What I've been struggling with since then is what can be or is controlling behavior on my part, from refusing to sleep in the same bed as my wife after she drinks (I can't stand the alcohol smell on her breath) to insisting that she not give SIL money for anything after SIL's spent the last six days drunk on beer she bought herself. I finally came to the conclusion that if it's something that's non-negotiable on the basis of negatively affecting me or our family then it's not so much controlling as knowing my boundaries for how much crap I'm willing to put up with. I'm not giving her ultimatums-I'm stating my opinion and reacting to her decisions. Does this sound reasonable or am I rationalizing?

I realized that I have two different issues going on, my wife's drinking and family drama, and while they sort of intertwine they are still two distinct issues. I think I got through to my wife this morning on the family stuff. I simply explained to her that I am going NC with them so as not to have to deal with her family's drama anymore, that I didn't want to hear about it either and would prefer if she didn't talk to them about the boys and I. I explained how I felt that what she was doing to "help" her family (from rushing over to her sister to comfort her as "victim" after the latest alcohol-fueled fight to giving her family money when they make horrid decisions with their own) as only making things worse on many levels. She agreed but said she didn't know how to stop it. I brought up Al-Anon and she wants to go. I'm hoping maybe it will open her eyes about her drinking issues. Maybe/probably not, but I hope it helps her with the dysfunctional family dynamic.

Unfortunately I can't just get out. I have several medical issues that are keeping me from working right now and it's getting to where I need to apply for SSDI. Until I qualify for that and start receiving it I have no way of supporting myself and the kids. This might be a good thing because it keeps me from making a hasty decision, but it means I feel pretty trapped sometimes. Thanks for giving me input and perspective to find another way to deal.
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