I threw in the towel too late. Way too late. Left my emotionally abusive AH, who was cross addicted to porn and gambling on the stock market, after 20 years when my credit card fraud squad called to verify the $1700 he charged to internet porn on my credit card.
I should have left 15 years earlier, when he started to drink evening cocktails again and became unbearably dominating. I should have left when his behavior started being abusive, but I didn't see it. I unknowingly and willingly sacrificed my own emotional health to staying with a husband I thought was physically ill when it was mainly the result of his alcoholism.
I guess my answer is that there is an unarticulated equation in marriages: the love and giving and enrichment must more than balance out the difficulties and grief.
We should all, married or not, be able to enjoy our own lives. It may be that you should tell your wife you are seriously going to leave unless the focus goes back on a healthy marriage and making each other happy. Perhaps it will be a wake-up call for her. If not, you only get one life to live, and it doesn't have to be focused on processing and re-processing other people's traumas.
Take care of yourself; the airplane flight attendants always say "put your own oxygen mask on first". That's not selfish. It is the truth. We can't live anyone's life except our own, and we need to give them the dignity to make their own life choices, even if we don't agree with them. As SouthWest Airlines says, "you are free to move around the country".
ShootingStar1