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Old 09-02-2014, 03:00 PM
  # 109 (permalink)  
Babs78756
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 369
Hey everyone!

One more night and husband returns. I'm so glad! I'm just ready to get the band back together.

I had an interesting Labor day... I took my daughter to a friends pool at her apartment. She's not much of a drinker or partier but her roommate is. It was a mixed crowd of people, single, one family, us, a few straggler ladies and guys. There were three people, two women maybe a bit older than me and a guy, all friends of the roommate sitting at the umbrelle'd table we claimed. They all shared acquaintances and were smoking, sharing stories. The guy had just gotten out of rehab for the 2nd time yesterday- alcoholic. The two ladies, were rough, the look of hard lives lived- reddish, swollen hands and fingers (have you guys noticed this feature on some hard partying people?). They were all sharing party war stories, their troubles with booze and drugs and one of the women said in a rough voice to the guy hours out of rehab, 'I just love drinking so much... but I have an ability to control it most of the time. hahahaha.' He replied, "oh yeah, I know.... that's my problem."

I was standing nearby with my daughter on my hip blatantly eavesdropping, while we shared a banana. In a millisecond it hit me, this was the moment, where the old me, the 'I'm too selfish to have kids. I feel so bad for all those boring women with kids,. Yuck.' was sitting at that table. And there I was, now the 'boring woman with a kid.' Not drinking or smoking, no party in sight, sharing a banana with a 1-year old, focused on the time so we could get home for a nap before dinner. I didn't feel boring at all, in fact I couldn't have felt more different.

We left after I got my fill of rehab and drunk and drug stories. In the car we sang old macdonald until my daughter fell asleep. I glanced back at her, asleep in her chair and was overcome with how appreciative I am for this life, thankful for the accidental foresight that brought me to the happiest place I've ever been, beyond what selfish me could've dreamed. I narrowly missed this life and it was crushing to think of it. In that moment by the pool- all the work I've done on myself in the last year, all of it was so clear. My heart hurts for the possibility of being one of those women... Ready 'for a good buzz, smokes and holding off the hangover as long as possible.' In reality, its a tired, lonely life on borrowed time.

I thought of you all last night and congratulated all of us on this path. The alternative is out there and it was mind blowing to see it in front of me I had no idea it could ever have this impact on me. I saw the alternative its sad, its hard, its lonely. I'm so proud of all of you in this fight, doing it. Challenging yourselves to be better, to truly create a new life.

I appreciate you all so much. I hope everyone is having a good day after labor day!!
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