11 weeks 1 day.
Hey Juners,
Hope you are all doing well. My Thursday was crazier than anticipated and yesterday I had my wisdom teeth removed, so excuse my lack of updates. I'm happy to report the minor surgery went well and I'm presently resting in bed and posting from my new laptop I purchased for school.
A big concern of my family/therapist was having to take opiate based pain meds. I'd be lying if my AV wasn't excited as well. So far, no issues, though. I have had a few moments of a light buzz, but they are the lowest dose of hydrocodone, so the high is mute and more importantly, the pain is not felt. I've had a few thoughts of only taking one pill and pocketing the other for later use or an extra strong dose, though. I haven't and won't because, well that would be using again, right?
The question is a good transition into thoughts that have filled my head lately. Ever since my near relapse a couple weeks ago, back when my AV found a vulnerability in my sober defenses with a simple discussion about going to Europe next spring, the questioning of my sobriety FOREVER has creeped into my head again. Some days I wake up and have all the confidence in the world I will never drink again. I think back to ALL the times I had embarrassing/scary/terrible moments and all of those out weigh the positives that come from drinking. Also having gone to concerts and realizing alcohol robs me from a deeper connection to music, I have these tangible items I can see, use, and feel to motivate to never have to be in those places again.
On the other hand, as I progress and start to see real moments of growth not only since quitting drinking this time, but the person I was at the start of the year.(I started therapy at the start of the year) Part of me has been thinking a lot about the future. Not from a X amount of time I can try drinking again sort of way, but if I continue to progress and grow, will that person be stronger and more ready to moderate and deal with addiction? This is now the question that I'm truly pondering. Is this my AV or me talking? I've identified character defaults and flaws, both related to my drinking, others just in the way I was living. For example, I wasn't able to let my ex in. Sure some of the lies involved masking and downplaying my partying, but a large portion of it involved an inability to let her in. In my screwed up thinking, I thought I needed to tailor my presentation of myself, my life, and feelings in a carefully controlled light. Digging deeper, this was more related to me not having an sense of who I am, what I want, where I am going, and really a lack of confidence in myself. My patterns ever since I graduated high school have been grind out X task and just make it to this time. First it was college. I'd always tell myself, grind out classes/work in order to make myself a better life down the road. Along the way, I figured things would work themselves, which in some ways they did. I really don't regret any aspects of those times to a huge degree;however, while being in college, I started functioning by saying, just get through these classes/work and in the summer you're going on this vacation or this party, etc. Being a kid with a love of partying and music, surely music festivals were a match made in heaven, right?! Well, they were. Just sitting here typing it gives me goosebumps. All the amazing bands, random times, and moments I'll remember for the rest of my days. These events however gave me an excuse and a social setting where drug use and partying was completely accepted and in some ways encouraged.
Fast forward to the last few years, I graduated college, got a decent job, but one in which I hated. It literally required me to suspend my morals for 40 hours a week. So what did I do in that time? Well the old reliable grind it out/party my balls off method. This time, though I had a salary that provided much more disposable income than previously. So this accelerated the weekends into overdrive. Now dropping 100 dollars Friday and Saturday on a bar tab became routine. Oh and the extras that went along with it, those suddenly went from a quarterly a year event, to an every weekend event. I mean, drinking has been a constant since I was 18, but it wasn't till my first year out of school did my taste for the extra circulars really takeoff. For awhile, it worked. I mean in the best sense blackouting and partying can. I was happy, at least I thought I was happy. Looking back now, I know I wasn't. It wasn't until I met my ex, did the veil over my eyes start slowly rising. She pushed me down this path, not intentionally, but when she came into my orbit, the gravitational pull of her pushed me out of the spin/cycle I had been living.
Now I didn't think it would take everything that has occurred since the past May to push me here. Alas, it has and I'm over feeling sorry for what could have been with her, with my past. I'm damn lucky not to be in jail, have a good job, and the perspective I have now.
Getting back to my original point, though. I have this new perspective from all the work I've been doing towards myself. Now, I know I need to keep pushing forward and continue to live sober for the foreseeable future. So when I have these thoughts of, well maybe once you reach a point where your strong enough, mature enough, blah blah, you'll be ready to drink or smoke pot again. I shouldn't really say strong enough, I guess what I mean is. The pattern of living I had was unhealthy. With or without booze, that was so focused on just getting through the one day, I didn't have time to sit back and reflect/discover what exactly my intentions are for the remainder of my life. So now that I am, part of it makes me wonder at times if this new perspective and path to discovery will result in a person capable of handling smoking pot or having a social drink at some point. Part of me hopes this journey continues and the life I build sober will make me see that I don't need to drink or anything else to have a good time, because I know i don't. Still part of me wonders if I'll reach a point where I can have a social drink or toke.
Anyways, that's a TMI update for you all. I know right now, I'm not focused on anything but continuing down this path. School starts this week following the holiday and I'll be able to drive again in 27 or so days. From there I plan to join a gym, attend a few SMART meetings for a change of perspective, and hang out in coffee houses on my new laptop doing homework and making eyes at cute girls.
Stay strong.