So, I had weeks of sobriety and then screwed up. I thought I would never be so stupid to get back to this position again....The first day. I lost my sober mojo and nothing seemed worthwhile without a drink in the evening. I think I even convinced myself I was getting DT's just an about an hour before I usually start drinking. I flicked in and out of SR and all the guilt and anxiety came back 100 times worse than it had ever been. My mind skipping from one destructive thought to the next and the only way to stop it was to drink. Sure it I felt better while I was intoxicated, but it wore off pretty quick and I have been waking up around 2am with my heart racing and all sorts of stupid thoughts going on. I feel I have now found that sober mojo again and the thought of drinking disgusts me. I want to feel that peace again and wake up feeling like I can accomplish anything. Not, feeling guilty and lost, scared. Feeling like today may be the day I die and leave my kids. A very lovely friend who has 10 years of sobriety, told me the pivotal moment for her was when she no longer felt the shame of being an alcoholic. That is when she was able to reach out for help. She said to me that she still had slip ups, but the guilt and shame was no longer there and she was able to get right back onto sobriety. It isn't a dirty shame to have this illness.
So, I am on day one and am looking forward to waking up tomorrow and feeling less anxious, ill and scared. I'm taking milk thistle for my liver discomfort with is thankfully only sporadic. I am on my own today with my kids and trying not to freak out mentally. Trying to hold it together for their sake and not google every symptom I'm getting. I know from my sober diary these feeling will pass after a few days.
Good luck to everyone back on day one or to those of you who are doing really well with your sobriety
