hi wds,
Wow, your addiction is strong, much stronger than your friends who can go out for a few. Each person is different. And you're smart to notice that you are different than your friends.
You said
"I know that I'm not alone. I just don't know why I'm still so self destructive when things are going well for me. Or why anyone is for that matter. "
OK, here's the reason: because your biochemistry is different than other peoples.
If you ask now, "but why is my biochemistry different?", you'll go on and on.
I learn from other cultures, and here's an interesting parable about someone in pain refusing to get help:
It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.
That quote is 2000 years old (The parable of the poisoned arrow).
So your reaction is not uncommon.
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Here's a look inside a detox hospital: People die drinking the way you do.
Rain In My Heart (1 of 10) - YouTube
I wish you strength, courage and determination during your journey to become healthy again.