Originally Posted by Withdrawalsucks

I am new to this forum, but fairly familiar with the recovery culture. I have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. And this was all within the past two years. In all honesty though I should have probably been hospitalized way more though. I cyclically binge drink, probably between 2 and 5 times a month, and more often than not go on 3-7 day benders. I have lost jobs, almost didn't graduate college, and have alienated people who were once close to me. I become a bastard when I drink. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. But I keep doing it. I went back to AA last night for the first time in a few months and I have to continue or I am not going to live to see 30, and my last couple years will inevitably be miserable. And after seeing the way my attempted suicides affected those close to me, that cannot happen. I am a 26 y/o male. I have detoxed hundreds of times and I think that subconciously I have just come to accept that this is who I am and what I do. I get suicidal sometimes during detox too. This has happened many, many times, so I know how to handle it but I am tired of screwing up and it just does not make sense to keep doing this. My problem is that when I feel like I finally have it under control I will go out with some friends and have a few drinks and this ridiculous cycle starts all over again. My question is how do people stay motivated to stay sober when they are feeling comfortable with their situation and think that everything is finally ok? Because that is when it always begins for me; when things start looking up. And it is going to kill me. I havent slept in two days, I think my new boss suspects that their is something wrong with me, and I really just can't screw my life up again and go through what I have been the past two years. I am lucky to be alive but it's like I haven't learned my lesson. The threat of death doesn't scare me because I have already almost died so many times. The possibility of becoming a "failure" absolutely terrifies me though. And I do not know anyone my age who behaves this way. I know it is absolutely ridiculous, but I continue to do it anyhow. I have no idea how I am able to do this. And the worst part is that all I want to do right now is get absolutely hammered. I'm not going to, but that thought has been running through my head all week. This is insane. Anybody else go through anything similar? Thanks.