doureallycare2

So where to start? I'm loss, is that a good starting point?
My history: Daughter of an alcoholic Dad (abandon us- married 5 times etc.)

I always considered myself a woman who loves God with all her heart, a former youth leader of 20 years. Until my husband had an affair with our church organist and friend. (What the church didn’t know was that this was one of over 20 affairs) Any ways we separated, they were unrepentant and underwent church discipline. I was separated from him for two years until he had congestive heart failure. I then took him back (left my church at his request) and nursed him. That lasted for 8 years. 2 years ago he had another affair. I filed for divorce. he lives with the woman he was having an affair with but contacts me about how unhappy he is.

So what's going on now? I have fallen farther than I ever thought I could ever fall....Several months after my 2 year long divorce was final and I thought I was actually healed but just lonely, I joined an on line dating site (that was just about a year ago). I cant tell you how many men I have dated, at first I was very picky.. had to be a Christian, had to have certain moral attributes. Very gradually as I was not finding anyone to "fit the bill" my stringent "dating guideline’s" fell by the wayside (and so did most of my moral guidelines I always adhered to). The man I'm dating now seemed to have a form of religion and that was good enough after all he believes in God and Jesus that's what counts right (sarcastic)? We have had a "relationship" for 6 months now. he came on very strong very fast. he met my family with in weeks and I met his family and friends within a month. I just met his friends last month (drunks).

I think he is probably an alcoholic (most nights when he calls he said he has had a few and slurs his words- he also forgets conversations), he smokes pot, lives in his basement of a house he has been building for 3 years now (still just has a very basic basement, no bathroom, no walls separating rooms etc...) and his last girlfriend died of mysterious circumstances on his property 2 years ago.( drowned in his pond after a relationship argument). Of course all these things were more than red flags...

However he was the handsomest, youngest, and manliest of all the men I dated and he wanted me! He found me beautiful! he not only complimented my 54 year old (out of shape and overweight) body, but he complimented my character and my heart. I have never had a man spend so much time on the phone with me.. yes its always about him but sometimes he complements me. Of course I learned really quickly not to give an opinion as he told me that my mouth needs to be duck taped when I say something so naïve or stupid. he will say a complement like he cant stop thinking about me' I'm to beautiful for words" then he will say right after "that's why I worry if you lose the weight you need to. Ill lose you...." The first time that it happened I called him on it.. I don't anymore.

We talk on the phone 2-3 hours every night (he drinks through the conversation)and I have to be there to take his calls. He hated it if I went to dinner with friends so I gradually stopped doing that. I refused to stop doing things with my family though and that is a constant problem with us.. I have slowly stopped going to something's (like graduation parties ect.) and have drastically reduced any time with friends. I go home every night just to talk with him. He is very jealous, always thinks I'm looking for another man. (he just seems to like to pick fights over the phone- 1/3 of the conversation is always negative.

If he is displeased he would withhold affection and conversations.. Everything very quickly seems as though its on his terms. if he doesn't want to see me over the weekend we don't get together, he will not make set plans with me (and mocks and ridicules me that I need or want set plants) he will say we will see for Saturday, maybe dinner, maybe you spending the night at my house (usually will not happen). Many times the dates would be cancelled even if they were planned. I tried ending it twice before. Only to answered his calls once he has assured me that he loves me. I had to keep it a secret from family that I was seeing him again. 54 years old and I'm lying, having exciting sex , yet scared to death because I know I have to end it. We go weeks with out seeing each other, right now it has been almost a month because he got mad at me for going camping with my family.

Summer is very hectic for him.. he has priorities, cleaning his pond, cutting trees, drinking with his friends. All this yet I'm scared to really end it with him, I feel guilty. He needs me. he's a lost soul.. the only time he sees his daughters is when they need money. all his friends are drunks and dope heads. and he's alone every night in this unfinished basement.. How can he live that way...

I realize that I never healed from the loss of my marriage, what I feel at the inevitable loss of this newest relationship is just added on to all this other grief... I'm lost, I'm alone... I cry out. I seek my Lord but he seems far from me. Who is the sorrowful person that needs saving, me or him?

Anyways, how can I hope that anyone understands the turmoil of loving this man that seems so controlling yet vulnerable?