Hi DRIZ. Believe me you are not alone in your fears. A question you might ask yourself is would you prefer to continue down the path your on or be among people who understand you, on this site and AA?
I made my choice years ago and am not sorry at all. The choice to get and stay sober any way requires work even if we don’t like it. I was a difficult drunk and very undisciplined however I don’t suffer or do pain well and was determined to not drink. It’s that simple tho not always easy.
Try to hang in there.
BE WELL