DesertEyes

eeesh, don't even _think_ of apologies!!! This is a stress-free zone, so if you want to be a couch potato for a month and do _nothing_ you are completely entitled to that.

Now _that_ must be horribly stressful. I cannot even imagine what you must be going thru. You take care of _your_ needs, and your son's needs_, first and foremost. This forum should not even be on your list of things to do when compared to your son.

Okay, so as far as step 11.

I substitute "God" with the initials "HP". My definition of "HP" is a "Higher Power", and that means "higher" than _me_. I tried fixing myself, which I discovered was a continuation of my dysfunctional family's command to keep their secrets. I take my car to a mechanic, my teeth to a dentist, why not take my ACA issues to somebody who knows more than I do?

My HP has been a couple of good shrinks, some very wise peeps in real life meetings, and the accumulated wisdom of all the world's ACA as expressed in books, pamphlets and this forum.

My head is _constantly_ stuck on high-speed. The "self-talk" just never stops, and it is always negative. Always busy planning for the worst possible scenario, always creating entire conversations with people that are not in front of me, it's like having a TV stuck on the advertising channel. How come my head never fantasizes about something _positive_, like, say, winning the lottery?

My sponsor taught me that going from a bad habit directly to a good habit is incredibly difficult. Much easier to make the transition in small, manageable steps. Therefore "prayer" is replacing my negative self-talk with _positive_ self talk. In the morning, when I step out of my condo on the way to work, I look at the trees and flowers that the management planted between the buildings. I think to myself that I am grateful that I have a job and that I can afford to live in a place like this.

Whenever I catch myself with negative self-talk I replace it with something positive.

Meditation is a step beyond "prayer". It is being able to turn _off_ that incessant chatter in my head, not just replacing it.

I have lots of health problems, and one of the things I have been instructed to do is physical therapy. I have combined that with yoga, and while I am doing those routines I focus on _not_ thinking. Keeping my head turned off. I can manage a few minutes at a time, and whadya know? It feels _great_!!

To me that means being aware of the _present_. Where I am in reality, right this minute, instead of that non-stop head that resides in some future catastrophe, that is in conversation with people who are not in front of me, that is always somewhere else instead of where my body is. Part of my "prayer and meditation" is to focus my mind on what is _now_, and where I am _now_, and enjoy the present reality, instead of living in a future fantasy.

That one is easy. The HP's will for me is to _not_ be stuck in my ACA issues, and to become the kind of person I could be if I only stopped focusing on everything else.

Mike