I'm sorry Shellcrusher. Lots of triggers in your post because there was so much familiar stuff there (and red flags).
I think you have every right to discuss your frustrations and I think your concerns and frustrations are legitimate and 'logistical' so even people early in recovery ought to be able to make some movement towards improving the situation if there head is even close to being in the right place.
But that movement does not seem to be present in you relationship. I have zero advice on how to live with that and find peace. IMO, there are lines to be drawn in the sand about what we tolerate in the name of detachment and working on ourselves.
Before I found alanon or this board I invested enormous amounts of mental energy and effort in tolerating unacceptable behavior in an effort to find some kind of peace with those circumstances. I had taken separation off the table. I made my bed and I was going to lie in it and wanted to find a way to be happy with that.
That didn't work out so well for me. My husband did not find recovery within or relationship and I nearly lost the plot trying to make it all OK in my head and make the unacceptable somehow livable. I had no idea how to separate our lives where his did not so drastically impact mine. Your wife sounds passive aggressive. I admit that I can be passive aggressive and was my husband was very. The difference between us was a) he was mean and b) he did not hesitate to involve the children in his games. Just like your wife. To this day I do not know if that was premeditated or done subconsciously but I guess it really doesn't matter anymore.
A ramble to say know your truths Shellcrusher and honor yourself.