GracieLou

The more I read about it the more I realized what my mother was. They know what they are doing is wrong, they just don’t care. They are not capable of love. The only thing that matters is self.

I thought for a time that I wanted revenge and I am sure that my mother feels that was what I was after when I removed her from my home but it was not. I just realized it was something I could change, so I did. Again, I can accept she is that way but I don’t have to live with it. I am no contact with her now.

I never wanted revenge. I did want an apology but that won’t happen because she is not capable. She does not feel she is ever wrong. That is why either they turn it around so the blame rests elsewhere or they half apologize and then still justify why they did what they did. They are excellent liars. They can plot out an entire scenario and have all bases covered so even if you did have the energy and the courage to blow the whistle on something they have done, they already have been working behind the scenes to make it appear you are crazy or everything they did was for you so you are just an ungrateful person. They will never look wrong. That is why it is so hard to tell people about the emotional abuse. Unless you have lived it, it is so hard for another person to see.

What I really wanted was validation. I wanted someone else to see what I was seeing. I wanted someone else to hear what I was hearing. I wanted to prove to the world I was not crazy. While I did get some of that, I wanted more. I wanted the world to see her, not just a couple people.

I am being looked at as a horrible disrespectful child for making her leave. I wanted people to know I was not. I wanted them to see her for what she really is.

I could, if I was so inclined, to post all the pictures of her nasty hoarded room. I can oust her to her friends and family about all the things she has said about them over the years. I could do some damage if I wanted to but that is the difference between her and I. She is revengeful and must, at all costs, be right. It does not matter who she hurts or how she does it, she must not be wrong, she must not make a mistake, she must always be king of the hill. She must always have something on every person, just in case….on and on. How exhausting.

It reminds me of when I drank. The lengths I went to. It was exhausting. I was able to escape, she cannot. Not because she does not want to but because she has no idea what she is. She must do what she does to live. To have what she considers peace. It is very sad in a way. At least the addict, even in the worst lies to themselves know, deep down, they know. She does not. There is no truth under all that, it is just a pathetic self. She will not ever change because she will never see what she is much less the damage she has done. There will be no apologies or amends. That is the final truth in the matter.

I have to go on with my life and not dwell on her or anything about her. I removed her from my life for a reason, so I could live and breath in peace. I can’t keep looking back and sucking in the grim reaper fog.

I do not feel obligated or guilty in any way. I escaped!