A little over a year ago I could have written this post almost word for word.
When I got sober I had to look at me. As hard as it was and as much as I wanted to keep pointing my fingers in her direction, I focused on myself and kept my mother as far away from me as I could. She lived with me and that seems impossible but since she ignored me and she isolated in her room most of the time it was easier than one might think.
After I made my amends to her I thought things would get better, they did not. They got worse and the anger was back and I was starting to form new resentments. This bothered me a great deal since I had worked so hard at removing them. It was a very hard thing to make amends to someone that you have negative feelings for and I did not want to repeat the past. I started to see that I was not living in the past. She did do the things she did in the past but she was still doing them in the present as well and I could not ignore them any longer.
I thought my mother was passive aggressive and I started doing some research in it. I came across this
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and my eyes opened and the fog lifted. I could not believe what I was reading. It was as if someone FINALLY understood exactly what I had been feeling and experiencing for most of my life. I understood that not only won’t she change, she is not capable of it. I can accept that but I do not have to live with it.
I did some more reading and made the decision to go no contact with her. I asked her to move and after three grueling months she was gone and I have no contact with her and I don’t plan to. I challenged her and I am now being punished. She ignores me from across the city now instead of in my own home.
This is fine with me. I don’t need to be right, I need peace and to be happy. I never have to live with her sucking the self worth out of me or placing blame on me for anything in her life. I am not chained to her or feel obligated to put up with her lack of cleanliness while she eats and smokes herself to death. I am not responsible for her.
She is a grown woman and can handle her own affairs.
FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt kept me from breaking away long ago. I am out of the FOG now.
The things you describe and the control she insists on having are signs of narcissism. Look into it. You may find what you are looking for.