Loaded with hate.
I am almost 30 days sober on the 16th. I am full of hatred right now.
I love with my mother who is a very very very sick woman. She has her own set of addictions yet from what I have seen in the past, she feeds off mine. When I am loaded she cares does what needs to be done and leaves me alone. When I am not loaded, she is over controlling and a ******* nut. I hate the site of her, I can't stand to be around her and I am about to blow the hell up and run away.
Running has always been my way of coping. If I take off and disappear no one can find me and I feel free. Yet I know that's the first thing I do before I get loaded. I don't want to get high anymore so I am making a choice to stay in this house. When I literally can't stand to be 2 feet in this woman. They won't let me drive a car to a doctors appointment after saying they would, the contradict themselves constantly and are hypocrites of there own words. Especially her.
I am angry with her that she didn't protect me as a kid, angry with her about a lot of other things I don't wish to share. Overall today, I still hate her.
I know I have done a lot of things in my disease that has hurt her. Yet her disease has effected my entire life in every way shape and form. I want out of this house and I want nothing to do with her.
I have prayed for her, I have asked God to take these feelings of hate away from me and right now I'm so livid I can't help but want to get high to make all of the anger go away.
Please help me, I don't want to be mad but I am stuck and furious.