LookASquirrel

I appreciate your sharing your story. I'm sorry that you've been through similar experiences. There will always be those who commit suicide and those who threaten or imply it. My stepmother succeeded too, and I watched my father go through it all with every unsuccessful attempt. I believe he was relieved when it was finally over. And since it continues to exist, at least we can share and help the ones left behind--each other.

I appreciate what you said about the first drink analogy. It's very true. An important reason that I haven't sought any additional contact was because I believe that my self-preservation finally kicked in full force. I'd been doing well for several weeks and the reminder that this was a slip was very helpful. Even if I thought there was a way to make contact, every possible outcome would be awful, so I've stayed away. I fully believe that I will continue to stay away. It's as if something snapped this time.

I knew that he bore responsibility too. Somehow I'd thought maybe my crime was the more heinous one. That's the codie part. I take "keeping my side of the street clean" to mean I can't make mistakes. This helps to put it into perspective.

I will work with the counselor as long as it takes and I'll find a program and work it. As Maya Angelou said, "I did what I did when I knew what I knew, and when I knew better, I did better." I hope to know better soon. In the meantime, I'm putting a note on the wall by my desk with an OA saying on it, "progress, not perfection."

Thanks to everyone for the responses.