Thanks all
It's cut off for good regardless. There is nothing to be gained through contact and I wasn't planning to. If anything, it will only cause more damage to both of us.
I was looking to cope with the guilt. I am at fault, and I need to accept that I made a mistake (many). I had already stepped back for several weeks and then I allowed myself to jump back in. I will have to let time work its healing and my amends will have to be doing better with everyone else in my life--and myself--from here on out. I was looking for a shortcut to feeling better. There are consequences to our actions and we need to live with them. As we all know, part of the step is "except when to do so...".