Sorry ... been a long week.
We got the laundry done, mom stayed 5 days (4 days too long), and work was work. At least I didn't drink again as soon as mom left (usually being around her pisses me off so bad I drink the minute she leaves). Spent a lot of time hearing about what is wrong with me, what I need to do, and what I need to spend the money she gave me on (I need it to pay bills and she wants me to redo floors and stuff). I just tried to not react and ignore it ... but I was pretty depressed and angry by the time she left.
I start through all the hoops they will make me jump to get to be back on medication for my "mental health" and my physician is going to be jumping through the hoops to get me back on medication (vivitrol) for my alcoholism. We are looking at this all taking about 3-6 weeks to happen, so until then the doctor is keeping me on an anti-anxiety medication that he isn't real comfortable with and we can't do for more than 6 weeks. He felt that we need to do what we can till we can get a better plan in place.
My first appointment to get me to a psychiatrist is tomorrow. That is Alcoholism testing (for the 20th time) cause I can't get a counselor till I do that. Then they let me see an alcoholism counselor (takes time to get that done), then he/she can refer me to a "non-alcoholism counselor (dual diagnosis), and then that one can refer me to a psychiatrist for medication.
If I were reborn knowing what I know now, and not being alcoholic, I would be up every politician and doctor's face to change how things are handled! I have a number of problems, one of which is alcoholism. But to refuse to treat the others because I can't seem to stay sober is not right. I'm not hopeful right now about staying sober (and to me it is the staying sober forever that matters in that part of my problems... anything less just doesn't mean diddly) but I still think that if I am on proper medication and getting therapy for the crazy crap that is there whether I'm sober 7 years or drunk for 2 ... would be helpful.
I know that drinking effects me and makes me hard to treat and yep it may happen again, but I could still learn to deal differently with family, work and stuff. I'm still a human being. I still deserve help. Sorry but I'm pretty frustrated.
If I thought people could be scared into sobriety I would share something more on the main boards...but if you are an alcoholic like me, fear and consequences don't really help to sober you up or keep you sober. I now have Neuropathy. It's "mild". The doctor says the nerve damage will never repair, but if I don't drink it won't get worse and right now it's "not too bad". I was pretty depressed about it, but I can learn to manage it. When I got home after talking to him I realized what had happened a couple of days before. I was feeling stressed and thought a nice hot bath would help relax me. I poured the bath and it seemed like the water wasn't very warm, but I went ahead and got in, feet first. Barely warm water ... sat down .... scalded the crp out of my legs. My feet can't feel the heat
But now I know that I have to be very careful cause I won't feel the heat or cold in my feet. So I can learn to live with this. Like I said ... the neuropathy isn't at the point to cause me to have trouble walking or anything dramatic ... I just have to be careful about baths and watch to be sure I don't get a cut or injury without noticing and caring for it. Also I will probably not regain my muscle strength completely. It isn't that I'm out of shape it's that I've caused some major damage.
OK ... I rattled on. I'll post more positive in a few days after I get some counceling.