Hi All,
It's been a long while since I've been on here.
After not seeing my XABF for 8 months, I re-initiated contact to see how he was doing. We caught up, and did some things on a friends only basis. He had been an independent contractor in my business, and I started using his services again, as long as he showed up sober. He "only" drinks after dinner, but then does so to blackout proportions. Thank goodness we weren't dating this go around so I wasn't there when he'd pass out and left things baking or on the stove top overnight.
A few months ago he was lamenting this, that, and the other thing. It segued into a compassionate dialogue about his drinking. I told him how I worried about him suffering a fate like several of my family members. Said if he ever decided to get help, I'd be a cheerleader and wasn't judging. I'm not sure whether this was codie, but he seemed to be receptive to listening that day.
I didn't hear from him for five days after that. When he finally spoke to me again, he said he'd contemplated suicide all that Saturday (when I saw him in the a.m.) and Sunday, because if drunken degeneration was all he had to look forward to, then why live? He told me that I shouldn't discuss his drinking because it depressed him. He said he needed me to be encouraging so that he could get his life together, and MAYBE he could consider quitting when he was in a better place. (Gotta love the twisted logic of an alkie.) I figured there was no reasonable dialogue to be had, so I dropped it.
Fast forward a few months. He's still drinking and blacking out. I wouldn't spend time with him when he was. Sometimes he'd help me out by working on my car or we'd talk business, but early in the day when he was sober. He continued to dredge up things I'd done or said in the past that were "hurtful". I finally said, "I'm not angry at you, but I need to spend less time with you. I'm sorry I hurt you, and I apologize and will make amends if there's something that works. All I can do is do better from here. In the meantime, it's difficult for me to keep hearing how I've messed up in the past while I'm trying to do better NOW."
A month goes by. I called him one morning to get back a piece of equipment that he'd volunteered to fix. I said, "It's okay, I'll take it somewhere else and have it fixed." He says, "I've been so depressed. My antidepressant isn't working and it's hard some days to do anything. I still think about eating my gun. But I'll work on your thing today and will call you in an hour or so." I couldn't let it be. I said (compassionately), "I know you don't want to hear this, but the antidepressants won't work while you're actively drinking." His tone abruptly changed and he said, "I said I'll call you in a while."
I didn't hear from him the whole day. I texted (Are you okay?), called, and stopped by his house to make sure he was okay. He wouldn't answer the door. The next day, Monday, I texted again and said, "I hope you're okay. If I don't hear from you within the next couple of hours, I'll need to send someone to check on you."
I got anxious. I lost two alcoholic brothers to suicide. I'm thinking, "I wonder if he's sitting in the dark with a gun?" I called the local hotline and they suggested I call his employer and see if he made it in to work. And if he didn't, to send the police to his house.
Long story short (and this is long already), the employer wants to know why I want to know if he's at work. I said, "I'm concerned about his mental health." As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized I should have just said, "his health", NOT "his mental health." What was I thinking? I wasn't. At this point, I was so wound I couldn't think straight and I was on my lunch hour. I wanted to know he was okay before I went back to work.
He called me within a minute. He said he never got my texts or phone calls. He got busy and "forgot" to call me. He said, "Stop by tonight and pick up your equipment."
When I got to his house that evening, he met me on the lawn. He handed me my equipment and said, "You're crazy. Batsh!t crazy. Don't ever contact me or anyone I love again. No one else thinks I have a problem! Only you. I was applying for a promotion and now, not only will I not get it, but I'm probably on the short list to get laid off or fired!" (He was fired from his last job. I knew someone who dated a manager there who allegedly said it was for drinking but they "got" him on something else.) I said, "You need help and you know it. There's no shame in seeking it. If you ever decide you want help, I can point you at some programs. I hope you can find some peace."
So. What's my reaction over the last two weeks? Guilt, guilt and MORE GUILT. My own mother said I over-reacted. (And this from the woman who last two sons to suicide.) I made a bunch of leaps to thinking he may have been suicidal. I made more when I didn't hear back. Why did I have to interfere?
What do I do with this guilt?!!!!
I realize this goes back and forth between explaining to defend myself, and feeling guilty. I don't know which side of me is "right".
I haven't contacted him and won't. When I start to think that I should make amends, all I can think is that there is nothing, NOTHING I can say that he'll want to hear. I know he's done. I've known him for seven years, and when he shuts down and cuts someone off, that's it. (He did it with his sisters a few months ago.)
By the way, I've been a twelve-stepper (OA) myself. I've been to Al-anon, too on and off over the years. It wasn't my cup of tea the last couple times. (No judgment here.)
Why am I feeling this way? I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday to deal with this.
And experience, strength, and hope out there?
