I feel for you Liz. Narcissists are really tough to break away from and they are experts at gas lighting.
This weekend I was pleasantly surprised to find a huge message board on reddit about narc parents that pretty much confirmed for me that my entire upbringing was as a classic scapegoat child. I was reading other people's experiences that I verbatim could have written myself. I wonder if your husband is providing similar experiences for your son.
Is your son currently in counseling or therapy? I cannot control who my parents are but I soooo wish that I would have started individual therapy when I was a teenager. I might have followed a more fulfilling career path, choose a partner that didn't have similar dysfunction, etc. rather than trying to do whatever I could to make my mom show me love. Your son might be doing something similarly (and he may not confess it to you) trying to gain his father's love that truly will always be unattainable. From what I've read from your posts it sounds like your AH projects a lot of nasty stuff onto your son. Trying to force him into a worldwide road trip, waking him in the middle if the night to talk about your lab results and family history of cancer, admitting to you that he "needs" to treat your son in a "tough" manner to prepare him for the "big bad" real world. That can't feel good as a teenage boy.