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Old 08-03-2014, 03:21 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Noolan
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Omaha,NE
Posts: 372
Day 51.

Hope you all are doing well. The past 48 hours have been really great. I went to dinner with my ex on Friday and it went as well as it could have. We caught up and I was able to apologize for some items I was holding onto. She didn't seem as hurt or as bothered as I thought, which was quite a relief. She is leaving for school, so I didn't want this meal to be all about me or absorbed by negatives from the past. There was a lot of good times and I think more so than bad.

Once I was over my nervousness and in the moment, my AV had no power over me. The idea of drinking away pain was laughable then. Even when I got home, I was overcome with powerful sadness. Seeing her was also a great reminder how amazing of a person she was and reaffirmed the feelings of "what could have been". Yet, as painful as some of those moments were, I felt them and I'm ok. And after getting over myself, I get to see an amazing person go off and achieve their dreams. That's awesome in its own way as well. I doubt I'd be posting this right now had I never met her. She made me realize how unhappy I was and pushed me down the road to wanting to change. I didn't start therapy to get her back, I started seeing a therapist because she was the light that cast different hue on the path I was on. It became clear to me at 26, that partying and binge drinking was something that was not making me happy.

Unfortunately, losing her wasn't enough. It took a serious struggle and battle with addiction and lower lows to reach this point. But through all that, I'm finally able to cast aside my addiction's influence and am starting to feel strength I didn't know I possessed. As scary as it is to be starting from square 1 and rediscovering myself, hopes, dreams, aspirations, hobbies, character flaws, doubts, strengths, etc... It's also amazingly inspiring; a new lease on my life has been granted simply by making a choice not to drink or use ever again. That's a pretty fair deal. Stay strong kids.
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