Hi SmilingLight, welcome to SR and to the Secular forum. There is a lot of support for you here, and on the other SR forums too.
I like what Fini said, you need to come to the place where you can say, 'I want to get sober AND...', instead of 'BUT'. For me, I wanted to get sober AND regain my self respect, AND lose the shame and guilt and depression and anxiety, AND keep my mental and physical health, AND keep my job and marriage and home, AND regain the respect of my adult children, AND do something with my life to make it worth living again. Those 'buts' have to disappear, become inconsequential.
I am sober now for three years, and you can read how here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html
You can do this, you deserve to do this, and you shall do this. Are you ready to make your own plan about continuing to use alcohol?