RAH told me his amends today
Sigh, I am so glad that I gave up expecting anything from him or caring about the outcome of my marriage. I know he was nervous about making amends and he even admitted that he didn't even know how to list all the specifics so he just went with a general apology; mostly over giving me the silent treatment and withdrawing.
There was still a lot of blame shifting and quite a few excuses given. At one point, I got the feeling that AA folks like to bash Al Anon folks, but I tried to let it go. He said that his sponsor tells him all the time about how marriages can be healed through the programs but he told me that his response is always, "Won't happen for me. Not with my wife. She's married to an alcoholic and she doesn't want to see me happy." It was right about that point where I had to pray for God to shut my mouth because I was ready to blast him on that one.
For some reason, I still got the feeling that he thinks a successful marriage is his end all be all key to happiness. That makes me sad for him that he hasn't seen yet that there is so much more to life than having that. I actually told him to just keep doing what you're doing and that it will get better. He's been sober now for 2 months since his last slip.
I don't know what's actually in his head, but I still felt that I was being manipulated into feeling sorry for him or that I was being drawn into places where an argument could occur. There was only one point of the conversation where I got defensive and had to point out that my coping mechanism for his sarcasm was different than what he was used to with his siblings and that I am tired of hearing how sarcasm is just 'their way' and his insinuation that it's OK just because it's how he grew up. I wanted to point out that he grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, not 1, and that those weren't healthy coping mechanisms and that maybe sarcasm isn't always called for. He also tried to tell me how he has to chide our son and tease him a lot because our son is an only child and that he needs to learn that people aren't that nice out in the big bad world. Sigh....only time will tell and that's what I'm sticking with today: One day at a time.