jmartin

I guess this is sort of an update. My AW and I have been living apart for a month now, I made her leave after several closely spaced relapses, she knew I was done with it, and left peaceably enough.

We continue to interact - she is house-sitting for a friend, and we are going to counseling together every other week or so, and she comes over a few evenings a week to visit the dog, and we usually sit and chat for a bit. It is all very cordial, no drama, she fills me in on her job search, her recovery, and so on.

Problem for me is, I find it all somewhat awkward. I find myself not really wanting to hear about any of it. As a human being, I am glad she is working her program, I hope she finds a job, and so on, but I just have so many negative associations with these things that I find myself wanting these meetings over with quickly. At least she doesn't stay long, and I know she wants to keep channels open, but I really starting to get why people prefer no contact at this stage.

I know she remains hopeful that we can reconcile, but I have no desire for that at the moment. I guess I am reluctant to close the door entirely, but wonder from time to time if that would be the right thing. Our counselor is encouraging regular contact and interaction, but I find myself pushing back on that. I was asked what kind of interaction I thought would be the most productive, and honestly said I had no idea, that I am completely at a loss as to how to proceed. I wonder about myself - am I just avoiding the real issue, avoiding conflict, somehow being a coward about this? Or am I simply leaving the reconciliation door open, because, who knows how I will feel tomorrow?

So far, I have just been just setting that question aside, taking life a day at a time, trying to focus on my own recovery, taking care of business in my own world. I have let go of trying to steer toward a specific outcome, I no longer feel invested in things going one way or another. I do wonder if I can ever be persuaded to give her another chance, I am very shy of putting myself once again in that vulnerable position, possibly having to push her out again.

Reading here, I know my feelings at this stage are not at all unusual, and it is far easier for me than for some - at least my AW isn't continuing to drink, and we don't have any kids, no meddling family members who think they know better. Stories on this site also, though, seem to all end the same way, and wonder if I am just delaying the inevitable. I suppose it's possible that there are stories where couples do find their way back, but I have not heard or read one of those that I can recall!

There is no mystery to me why things are awkward - I find myself treading cautiously. I don't want to say anything unnecessarily hurtful, but also don't want to give false hope. I sometimes am impatient, not in the mood to walk that line. The pointless small talk grates on me. I wonder if there is a way to transcend this awkwardness other than just reducing the amount of contact.