Day 47.
Early morning post because I just had a serious battle with my addictive voice. I've found actually thinking through those desires helps me realize how insane my AV is and its desire to use is. Anyways, in college I always talked about moving away from Omaha after graduation. Well I graduated in 2011 when the economy was still shaky, so I took decent paying job I hated and spent two years there. During this time my drinking greatly increased and my drug use became an every weekend event. Fast forward to now and I find myself at I job I can stand maybe even like. It's an insurance company and I have many options to relocate, so that's been something I've been thinking about in the next 6-9 months.
Well back to this morning, I awoke and wasn't able to fall back asleep so I just laid in bed and thought about life. My AV all the sudden gave me the idea "once I move, it will be a fresh start... Another chance to drink". This is where it's hard to know the difference between what I want and what my addiction wants. Maybe my desire to move is trying to escape my problems and have no consequences or people to disappoint in a new city. Or maybe it's really what I wanted all along. I don't know, but I do know I'm 27 and I've spent the last 7 years blacking out and progressively becoming more of an addict. The last 47 days has given me tangible benefits from not using: normal sleeping patterns, not blowing all my money on nights I can't remember, no anxiety of things I maybe have done under the influence I can't recall, or not feeling like I need a drink to calm my nerves or take away the pain of a hang over. All the above are immediate benefits from not using. Now that doesn't mean sobriety has been all gum drops and rose pedals. It's been like learning to walk again; the crutches of my past vices are right behind me. It'd be so easy to turn around and pick them up. Also it'd feel fine, because I have that addictive voice telling me, "it's ok".
Well, I've been down that road on those crutches too many times. It all leads to the same place. So the cliche of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results", that's my addictions plan. That's not my plan. I'll take the good with the bad or the happy with the sad. I drink my coffee black and that's how I'm going to take my life. Straight up with no chaser. Ironically much like I enjoyed my bourbon. Stay strong kids!