I'm sorry things are so hard cg ... but I have to say the 8 months sober will be a huge plus as you go through this time.
I've been through a number of family things like this, and I know that being sober is the best gift to give to a family member who is suffering.
I'm not doing ok here, but I've put plans in place to "change the ending". I have to call the Dr. tomorrow to see if he can prescribe something to help control the shakes as I go through this (assuming it will be a script for the first 3 days). It sounds stupid, but it isn't a little shaking .... it's like I can't hold a cigarette or a cup of coffee or pretty much do anything without shaking. and it's big shakes ... not something you can pass off at work. Can't drive, cook, or work when I get to 24 hours off the alcohol.
I'm so tired of every moment being about how can I not drink, or how can I get my next drink... To me it is the same obsession just turned on it's head.
I've been through this at a lower level before, so I know it's really about getting through the first few days and building your strength (physically). Mom is going to come "babysit" for at least 3 days. If I go to treatment it is like taking a 10,000$ 10 day vacation .... I can do this with a babysitter, but not without.
I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm making the right decision, but I tried calling some past AA friends and the local mental health center and they all hung up on me. I'm not blaming them! I need physical presence to help me get to the bathroom, eat, move for the first few days. Mom coming to stay is not ideal because I have a history of drinking after her visits because she makes me so angry. But we have had some hard discussions and I'm hoping we can keep things more uplifting and oh I don't know ... it's not her fault, its just that it isn't the best plan...just the only one I feel I have available at the moment.
I'll be calling the Dr. tomorrow. The hope is that he will give me something to stop the shakes since I have never abused the medications he has given me.
OK ... on the up side... I saw a deer in my front lawn this morning and also spent some time with the dogs in the back yard. I'm so lucky to have what I have. As hard as work is when I'm drinking and when I'm sober (and especially if I'm trying to detox) .... It's a good job with good people overall (Ok.. I'm not sure that's true... but they are certainly appreciative, supportive and respect my abilities and work)
I'll try to check in soon, but the truth is I'm so ashamed and embarrassed that it may take me some time to be able to come here.
Long long Debbie downer and self pity post. But I'm going to move on from this no matter what! I will get sober. It's the staying part that I'm worried about, but until I can get some sober time, I'm not sure I can get the hope on that.
I just care about all of you too much to not tell you what's going on. I worry I'm just being a burden or worse that you all may have given up on me too. But it was time to write this and let it go so I can focus on getting sober and staying that way.
arrggggg
ok ...thanks for letting me get that out!