Perfectionism
Can we openly start a conversation about perfectionism? I feel so alone in my recovery recently and have had the character defect of perfectionism come up at nearly every turn lately. I know I'm not the only one so I thought there might be some who want to vent or discuss this as it relates to their recovery.
One of the things I realized is that my people pleasing attitude and my "I can't say NO" communication skills got me into a hole where I had to do things perfectly or people wouldn't like me. My RAH was/is a very critical and condescending person so I was always trying to live up to his barbs and comments like, "How come you can't get the dirt out of the coffee cup? This is how you make a bed, use hospital corners. Oh, you don't know what hospital corners are, what rock have you been living under." etc, etc. So, I've been going back to my earlier years of childhood and I realized that it really started way back then and that RAH just fueled the problem, along with my own complicity.
The only time I felt good about myself as a child was when I was pleasing my dad, and my mom to some extent. My dad's attitude ruled my emotions, though, so I worked hard to get good grades, I cleaned the bathroom better, I stayed out of his way, and tried to be the 'perfect daughter'. My mother, on the other hand, just never offered praise nor criticism. She was just 'there', trying to work hard and get through the day being married to an alcoholic.
I also realized that my grandmother was quite critical of us (the grandchildren) if we put on weight or if our clothing was out of place. She was raised in an alcoholic home but neither of my grandparents themselves were alcoholics. I didn't realize how unhealthy things were around her until I got together this past month with one of my cousins and my sister and we talked about some childhood memories since my grandfather just passed. And, then a lightbulb came on. I am always trying to keep myself at a decent weight, I fret when I gain 5 pounds, I hate my teeth, my big nose, and my facial skin is a mess. Those are the things that I see so when people tell me that I'm a pretty person or give me a compliment, I look at them like they're crazy and don't know what to say. Receiving compliments is a difficult thing for me, despite the fact that I feel the need to be perfect all the time. My grandmother has made negative comments about all those features on me over the years.
Journaling and spending time with Al Anon people have helped me see that I don't need to be perfect and that I am loved for who I am. I just wish I could drop the habit of beating myself up for gaining a few pounds or for the fact that I won't pay for braces but hate my crooked teeth anyway, LOL. Yes, I hate my teeth but I'm too cheap to get braces. Of course, my cheapness has kept me from trying extreme measures to find perfection because I'd never get plastic surgery unless it was medically necessary. I guess I can be grateful for that. Finding a way to love myself and see myself the way others see me (not the sick people in my life obviously) is going to become a larger part of my recovery process.
FYI: I just ordered the ACOA book, "Perfect Daughters", so that will be where I start hopefully to deal with this issue for myself.