NW- I very much understand you. I have not had a true friend since I was 12. Like you I also prefer being alone. But, I do realize for me it is because of a fundamental belief that I will be abandoned. So, I pick fights to have a reason to end a friendship. At times I am lonely though. But, to open my heart andlet someone in. I just cant do it.
Even my husband I think on some level will leave me. Which is nuts. I have put him through hell and he just wont leave me.
Its a way to try to prove my case that fundamentally I am unworthy.
I know intellectually that all of this goes back to my foo. My mom elevated me to her partner and I had younger sisters. Everyone was more importtant than me. Add in the fact that many of the most important people to me moved or died in a space of 5 years and I have been trying to find love and acceptancee ever since but, also on some level feeling it is all pointless because I am not worthy