It all makes sense to me grits and "I" am like that. When I finally was committed to being sober, I went to my first AA meeting. Felt good, seemed like the right place and then I immediately dove into step 4 and went to town...down the hole I went. I thought by identifying my problems/trauma/events I would be cured but I was still restless, discontented and still very very agitated with each revelation. In the depths of trying to figure out the wreckage (in the middle of placing my mom in a home) my mom out of nowhere says that Dad was a big raging drinker before I was born? Shocked as I never saw him drink ever. That revelation provoked me to take an ACoA quiz on my phone right then. Holy crap, more shocked. Things then very quickly started to click for me. Why do i act the way i do? I returned home a week later, went to my normal AA meeting but then decided to try an ACoA meeting with little expectation. I gotta say, that was the most bizarre out of body, mind numbing experience I've ever had. Where once there was darkness, light beamed like a 1000 suns. Everyone's story was mine, everyone's fears as adults I lived and every share about adult relationships and failures was confirmed, as mine. So circle round to your question, I have learned that my lack of longterm friendships, no close friends, relationships exploding before people see the real me, are almost all as a result of my fear of abandonment and a false fear of being exposed. So, after 10 months of sobriety via AA and ACOA, sometimes I feel like I haven't learned squat (self doubt) but the laundry list gives me a fantastic scavenger hunt to learn new tools to use as an Adult. Perhaps take the last bombing raid under the microscope? How where you feeling when you started bombing? What was said that initiated the raid? And most importantly, for me, can you trace those feelings, fears, etc. back to a specific event in your childhood? Sorry, great post, made me think, thanks for letting my mind unwrap with your thoughts.
Journey well friend, I think you are on to something.
OGK