lizatola

So, in working my program and in paying attention to the people around me; family, acquaintances, friends, program friends, etc I am finding that I am hypersensitive to my interactions with people. I over analyze, I think too much, and I pick our interactions apart trying to figure out where the conversation went wrong, if I was working my program, if I was to blame for them snubbing me or whatever.

Here's an example. I had told a friend of mine via FB messaging that we had a death in the family and that I was having a hard time being supportive to my mother. This person responded that they figured my mom really was grateful for my support and that they were sorry for my loss. I met with this person last week for coffee and they asked how my mom was doing so I told them that she was back home after my grandfather's death and that we're all worried about my grandmother. Their response was, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about his death." To which I said, "Umm, we discussed this last week on FB messenger, you don't remember?" Nope, didn't remember. So, I took that a bit personally and tried to pick it apart wondering if this person has a serious memory issue or something. It's not like it was something from months ago, this was just the week prior.

Here's another: I was at a birthday party for a program friend. I made a silly joke about the size of my present and they laughed but another guest made a snarky comment and glared at me. So, I took that personally even though they very well may have just been playing into my joke or something else. I started it and I still had trouble with someone's reaction. UGH!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? I don't see people as safe, I can't handle jokes and I take things way too seriously. I already know that I am not in a place to engage with RAH because he WILL put me on defense and our conversations never go well, but handling other people is now becoming difficult too. I used to be so easy going with people and now I'm hyped up and sensitive and it's driving me crazy. It's making me want to never bother with people again, and that includes people from program because, quite frankly, I see a lot of non-program behavior coming from these folks and I don't think I want to participate in outside activities with them and that makes me sad. I was trying to reach out, do things with program people other than meetings, and I don't even feel that is safe.

So freaking frustrated with myself right now. I know I should accept people for where they are, I know I shouldn't take things personally, I just wish it was that easy for me. Sigh.....I really wanted to make a few new friends and connect better with others. Just not seeing it right now. All I see is loneliness. I've never had really close friends and maybe I now know why? Really sad today.