Cherra, I read this thread and the one on the Alcoholics forum.
I, too, was in a long term marriage (20 years) with an abusive alcoholic.
What I think is missing in the discussions so far is information about the biological/physiological changes that happen to an alcoholic, particularly one so deep into alcoholism that they have shakes, total blackouts and the like.
As people on the Alcoholics forum have suggested, it sounds like your husband is very far along in the physiological progression of alcoholism.
This changes the person's brain chemistry as well. They do not think the same way that they did before they became alcoholics. This is because their brains literally do not work the way did before. There are major neurological changes in their brains. There are a lot of good books on this, and I would imagine there are stickies in the alcoholic's forums that discuss this in some depth.
In a normal marriage, the wishes and hopes and dreams of each partner mean something to the other partner. There is a commitment to the marriage and to the well being of the other person.
Alcoholism, especially in its advanced state, takes away the alcoholic's capacity for relating to people like they used to. So when we tell our spouses/partners what we wish for, what we want our marriages to be like again, it may be a dear memory for them, but it doesn't mean that they are truly capable of re-creating that for us.
Yes, people do get better. They need enormous will power and commitment to do so. And only a doctor or other trained medical professional can assess the amount of damage done to the body and brain and what it will take to recover physically and mentally.
Our wishes and dreams are heart felt yet often too little to move our partner to recovery. That has to come from the depths of their own being.
And that leaves us with great grief, longing, and a feeling of helplessness. What we most cherished is gone, and if they don't commit to the profound changes that they must make, we can't do anything. The grief sneaks up on us, and makes us believe our wishful thinking, but the truth is that we are powerless, and the life we knew is gone.
For me, at 63, two years after leaving and one year after the divorce was final, I am building a new life in a new town with new friends. I still carry an undercurrent of grief, less and less, but it surfaces and I mourn the loss of the life I had early in my marriage, and still wish I could have. As time went by, I found that I focused less and less on my XAH's behavior and what I could do to wish/will him to be who I wanted/needed him to be. I began to discover who I am, recover the me I lost during those 20 years. And I am happier, more creative than I have ever been. There is hope for us, just in ways we can't necessarily imagine at the beginning.
We are with you here on SR.
ShootingStar1