I too have always been a chronic apologizer, taking on responsibility for things that weren't even remotely my fault. As I make my step 8 amends list, which I was actually afraid to start doing, I have found that more often than not, I have already apologized for many of my wrongs. As I have worked my Alanon program, I have grown enough that I was also living my amends in many cases without realizing it. Of course I will still have amends to make for my step 9, but not the telephone directory-sized list I was imagining when I started.
I was scared to start this one, more scared than I was of step 4, but as I actually do it, I am realizing (once again) that I am really not a horrible person, or unworthy or any of those old ideas that still stick around in my head like cobwebs.
I truly understand now what it means to have the program build your self esteem. I can feel it. Like I am finally laying a foundation for my life and the person I really want to be.