meggem

I went back yesterday per someone's idea to re-read my posts to remind/refresh me and there were a few little incidents that I had forgotten. The one was when he got home from rehab and was in his 4 day outpatient after work and he said to me on one of his nights 'off' "don't think this is a free pass just because I am home".

I think I had the nerve to sit back a little hoping he could carry some of the load with the kids.

His back pedal to that was that what he meant to say he wished we could spend some time together (?) That post was titled "I think he just put the nail in his coffin"

Anyway, for anyone reading this - keep typing here. It helps in the present moment and it helps when you might need to look back and read what you were feeling at the time and remind yourself of things that happened that you forgot about.

Also my string of posts from the time he left for rehab until the time I "reappeared" asking if anyone remembered all reeked of me being DONE.

I noticed the dates 10/2013, 11/13/2013, 11/18/2013 etc etc. I thought - Geez how many years do I want to keep typing posts here that are of this nature? We are halfway through 2014.

I spoke with you guys yesterday, and I called my cousin last night who is a key spokeperson in the family (Italian Family - Oy). She reinforced what I need to do. Just GO she said - she said the same things you guys did.

I filled out the application for the new place which was sent and the reply was that the owner was reviewing.

I put a call into my lawyer.

I am still a wreck and feel like I don't know what the H I am doing (I know the decision is right, it's just the rapid pace of the steps I think)

But what I DO know is that I CANNOT trust myself right now. I MUST depend on my brain, and the eyes and ears of others that can see this better than me right now. And I have never in my life followed the exact lead of others. So I'm thinking deep down, even though I am crippled with gross emotions, I must know these are the right steps.