Welcome, lostinthetrees! Good to have you here. On level your story is very sad but it's our story, most of us have been in that spot. I regret the decades wasted being drunk all the time but at least now I'm sober.
What are you doing to help you stay sober? For me AVRT is all I've needed to stay sober for the last 20 months.
One thing I noticed after booze being my whole life for 25 years was that I needed to create a new life, something to fill in the void left by alcohol. In AA I think they call that "spirituality" but for me it was just finding out what my life would be about now.
Again, glad you found us!