Thanks T and Kialua, I know I need to let go, and there was nearly a but there, I see what you mean now. I know I try to make excuses, I always have, to excuse the a**holes in my life from doing the things they do, So maybe I do need to stop trying to look after everyone else, and it is going to be hard, mother always said I needed to learn to be more assertive and learn to say no to people, unfortunately I feel so bad when I do, that it's very hard for me.
I have tried to go no contact and no one listens to me when I say how much I am hurting and how I don't want to contact my mother, I think the only time I have ever shouted or got mad with my dad is when we have been with the mother and all argueing. I don't feel so much hate towards him so it is hard for me to get angry with him, it hurts that he doesn't listen to what I want, so I do have to learn to stick up for myself, It's just that no one has ever stuck up for me, I deal with it all alone, and do what everyone wants, I don't really know how to say no, go away, leave me alone.
I am not fearfull of my own safety, I know the ins and outs of my passing outs, and it doesn't scare me as I always wake up, maybe with a smashed in face or broken something, but I always wake up.
Sometimes I wish I could just pass out and never wake up, make all their lives less stressfull, then I would be left alone.
I am still a ball of stress, needing desperately to let some frustration out, I am thinking of asking an uncle to spend an hour in his shed with his punching bag.
Just to punch and kick and cry my eyes out. I feel that may help, as I am so lost, confused, wound up so tight I could snap at any minute, then regret it.
