Old 07-08-2014, 08:44 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Synfull Vyxun
:-(
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
I agree, I do have to take care of me, but they don't let me not keep in touch, I live alone,with a hormonal issue and pass out every now and then, In Australia, they call it Epilepsy, in the Uk, Hormonal Vesavegal Syncope, so if I don't get back to people within a couple of hours, or days as my parents are in the Uk. Then they worry about me, some days I just don't wanna message them back, some days I worry about what they want, so I don't answer them.
I have told my father that I don't want to be in contact with my mother, I left for a reason, to sort my head out, stop all the phone calls to my dad from my mother about me, and to finally try to be happy, and have everyone else happy too, I know this is not possible to keep everyone happy, but I try.
So I have told my father that I am going to send him all the video's of my drunken mother from CCTV footage, the voice recordings I have of her telling people I am crazy, I ruined her life, I am this, she is perfect, my stepdad ruined this, my dad ruined her life, etc etc. But I have been told not to send them to him, I realize I shouldn't as he doesn't need to go through what I am with her, they were divorced long ago, and I would never wish her on him again.

I just had a look at a flat next door, and the real estate guy was a litle Asian dude, we got talking about my so called epilepsy and how the western world takes all these pills and stuff to stop these ailments, when all we need is a healthy lifestyle, he also told me about transcendent meditation and pointed me in the direction of a buddhist temple, so may give all this a try, as I feel I am losing myself, and I just want to get better and be happy, Everything runs around in my head constantly, he said this, she did that, why did I say that, etc etc.
I don't sleep I can hardly bring myself to eat most days. I struggle to get out of bed the last week or so, as it is so cold and I had to move bedrooms as some random guy came through my window, so now I am in a room with no windows, no light, no sunshine, I feel more depressed now I think, not that I have ever admitted to being depressed, but I really think I am getting that way, before I just stressed and worried to much, and had an attitude with my slave driving mother because of the cheating she did and the lies, and denial.

Wow sorry, went off on a tangent there, I do see what you mean, and I do wish everyone would just leave me alone, I do understand people worry abut me, but until I ask for help they cannot help me. I just need time to myself, to think and put all the pieces together again. I am still remembering things now that I have been told all my life, and believed as my parents told me these things, we as children are supposed to believe and trust everything my parents said, and now I find out it was all hypocritical bull s**t. They say do one thing, they do the other. I always tried to keep them happy and do what they want, whenever I tried to do or did something for myself I got in trouble, Now I am taking time to look after myself, I am still doing the wrong thing.

On another note, I just found out my great gay uncle has has a fall the other night, he is around 89 ish, and has dislocated BOTH shoulders!!! They think he may have had a seizure and are running tests in hospital, so he is there for the next 6 weeks at least. and also my great aunt had a fall on the weekend but not a bad one, These members of my family are not close to me, I found out my great uncle tried to touch my father when they were younger, and my great aunt has never known who I am, even before dementia/alzheimer's kicked in, I have always been 'Ray's daughter'. But they treat me a hell of a lot better than my own mother has!!!!! and now I am worrying about them. Just more to add to my list of things to think about while I'm supposed to be sleeping. :-(

So there is a bit of info, now how do I get it through to them that I am fine, Im a big girl and I just need space. I don't mind dad calling once a fortnight from England, but I have told him I don't wanna talk about the mother, I don't want to argue with him, I haven't shouted and got angry about it yet, I don't think I should have to, he should listen to me when I am talking to him, specially when I am crying about it all most of the time, I am hurting so much and no one seems to believe how I have been treated by my mother, as she makes out she is perfect and it is all me, and the stepdad, even my father has been blamed for ruining her life and marriage, and I understand dad doesn't want all this bad feeling, but he needs to stop sticking up for her, and for once look after his only child, I know she is my only mother and she loves me, I love her, but I don't like her much at the minute, I still worry about her, being out wasted and the men these days that take advantage of that, I have witnessed it with her,and I have been raped on a couple of occasions, I worry for her, as it is the worst feeling in the world.

I just want to be left alone to do what I need to do to be happy, only I can do this for myself if only they would just leave me alone. :-(
I am not suicidal all the time, it was worse years ago, I am not going o hurt myself as I worry what the family would think and I wouldn't want to hurt them like that, but some days I do.
I have been to a psychologist, but she talked to my aunty about the things I said, and as the aunty was having issues with another aunty, thats all the psych really asked and talked to me about, the aunts are not my problem, any more, I have got rid of that rubbish they caused me.
I have been told about kineziology, and am going to look into that when/if I ever get a job as it's pretty expensive. I do think meditation may help, if I can stop the brain thinking, I just don't know anymore, Im so confused, I just want to run away out bush and never be seen again.
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