From her:
Hi Yo. hope you are well. i am coping again now so want to tell you i love u and hope ur happy in your life. Saffi is fine n sounds like Bronte is doing well now. jimmy tells me suki is good too. hope ur course is still going well. its very impressive.. take care of yourself love mum. xxx
So the animals are doing great then, that's one good thing, I did worry about them, but I found my cat a home (with friend Jimme) when I left, and I begged my stepdad to take the puppy (Bronti) away from the mother, I knew mother's cat (Saffi) would be fine as she was an outdoor cat and could feed herself when needed and escape to go to the toilet.
This is what I vented out this morning but did NOT send. I controlled myself, even through I really want to send this and get her out of my life forever. :
Hi,
well I am not coping, you and dad are not helping me, I cannot stand this, you still seem to think I am trying to punish you, I am not, I want you to get better and do it for yourself, You ringing dad and whingeing (still) about me isn't helping, as the names he called me after talking to you disgusted and hurt me so bad and I just knew you had been in touch with him. If I am that bad, then why do you want to even know me.
Stop saying you hope I am happy, I'm far from it, I am still replaying memories of the nasty disgusting things you said about me and the lies to me, not just you, many people from the crown, (the pub we lived in and ran together)
You hurt me mum, more than anyone else I know. I love you so much still, but I'm hurting. I am even thinking of going to an AA meeting just for some help and clarity, to know I am not mental, I did not ruin your life, and that somewhere deep down inside my mother does love me, The mother that doesn't lie and cheat and blame everybody else.
I know I'm not perfect and I have never claimed to be, but you gotta look at my upbringing to see why I was sooooo bad (in your eyes,) (trust me, the friends I have had, I could have been a hell of a lot worse!!) and it may take you a long time to realise what hurt me and why, But I hope one day you will, hopefully before the alcohol kills you.
I am doing really bad, I am stressed, worried about my future, having major panic attacks anytime anyone knocks at the door, calls my phone, or sends an email as I don't want to hear what I have done wrong now. All I seem to do is p*ss people off and ruin their lives, so maybe you were completely right about everything you told lil pete, dawn and nat etc about me.
Maybe I should just put you all out of your misery, and just get out of your lives, then you can stop asking dad to get me to contact you, I have told you I will when I am ready, Forgiveness is difficult when there is much hurt that lingers.
Then you expect me to email you for my birthday, so I do, and then I hear nothing back until now, thanks a lot, you wanna know what I did on my special day?? Nothing!! P*ssed off my only friend with what I thought was a joke, and then sat on my f**king own for a month waiting for him to get over his over reaction, he came back tail between legs with a peace offering yesterday.
Now I hear from you, I swear I am going to have a panic attack just writing this, my heart feel as though it may explode, and then I probably won't even send this to you as then I will get in more trouble for sending nasty messages, so I should just keep it all bottled up, like I have done all my life, but then that is wrong as well. So what am I meant to do. Slash a blade over my wrists and leave you all be, live your own life however you want to, p*ss whoever you want to off, and f**k every bloke in melton, I don't care anymore.
I understand we all in this world have issues and I am trying to sort mine, but you are not helping. Please just leave me alone for awhile, Thanks for the birthday present, I may send it back after I have read it, it is all about alcoholics and the effects they have on their kids, which you know all about as your dad was one, so how can you not understand what I am going through, you never hit me like he hit you but you hurt me emotionally, to me that feels worse than what he did to you, at least bruises fade, memories don't.
I love you and I will send you birhday and xmas cards but that is all I can handle at the minute, Please leave me be.
So thats the venting, now how do I ask her to leave me alone, in a nice way so she doesn't ring my dad nd b*tch about me sending nasty emais, and stuff. I want to use some of that but feel I may end using all of it.
God I hate this, I just wsh they would leave me alone to live my life, and stop saying they hope I am happy with the decision I made to leave them all. I had to go, had to get away, I was only making everything worse. Now I am still doing it, I think maybe I am done, I can't take anymore.
