The word Never
I was pretty sure a few months ago that I had this recovery thing working. When I look back on life at that time, I realize that there were a few thoughts and life situations that made it almost too easy for me to jump off the cliff.
1) I became inactive and irritated with my recovery resource. I was tired of reading the same things over and over and tired of participating. I would get on here randomly but for the most part, I allowed myself a huge break. Its not that I wanted to drink. I was not thinking in these terms. Its that I became complacent long before my sisters diagnosis, long before anything took place. I did lose that part of myself that had empathy and I was trying to cope with the hammer that smashed into my world.
2) I did not listen to others. It was suggested that I seek more outside help and suggested that I acquire more tools for recovery. I cannot just lean on this forum. It seemed like a major life issue after life issue was taking place and I was battling emotionally and mentally on a continual basis. I was not coping well and I was not listening. Its not that I didn't want to listen to others. I think its that I did not know how, honestly. I could not let another guide me. Truthfully, I just got in the way.
3) The word "Never" which has been used by me more than once. This word is absolutely the worst word in my vocabulary. Never should be banned from the planet. Even though I learned a very hard lesson on March 08, 2013 and was at the lowest point in my life, this did not stop me from spiraling out of control. At least I can say that my "Out of Control" was not as bad as previous times, and my husband helped me to get back to what I am supposed to be doing. I am not making excuses. I am thankful the "Out of Control" was stopped quickly. There really is not any damage control going on here. Whew!
4) There are some life situations that scare the hell of me. I panicked. I shut down. I was going through one dramatic episode after another. Terminal illness is something that I have never experienced and it has rocked me to the core. I have never felt this anger/ sadness that makes me think I am going to explode at any moment. I am surrounded by this disease on a continual basis with work and with my family. I realize that I have major issues with death and with disease. Major issues with coping. Major issues with my family. You name it, I got it. Thankfully, my therapist can help me with this.
One good decision that I have made is I took myself off all medications for my back and mood. When the initial diagnosis happened I sought help from the doctor for anxiety and sleep. I have been off of all meds for over a month. The anxiety med went away soon after I started taking it. So a few months with that one. I actually feel better. My back does not hurt as much due to the herbs I am taking. Somehow in the darkness, I was able to make decisions that would benefit me in the long run. Losing myself was very detrimental. This is the thing I hurt most from. The complete loss of direction. So.........Here is my morning update.
Thanks for reading.