It's my time.
Hi everyone,
I'm 31 years old and today is day one of my new, sober life.
My drinking problem is bingeing. I don't drink every day (but I do almost every day.) Once I have a drink, it's like something goes off in my head and my mind/body wants more, more, more, MORE. I call it the beer monster. But it's really just a drinking problem. Once I have one, I can't stop. People have told me that I could always just limit my drinking to a 2-3 drinks maximum. I've tried that. It just doesn't work. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I am accepting now that I just can't control it. If I have one drink, I'm going to have 6 or more. The loss of control is getting worse too.
I blacked out again last night. I woke up on my friend's couch with no idea what the **** happened. Again.
It's been happening more and more often this past year, and over the past few years. I never used to black out, and now I can lose hours upon hours of the night. Is this part of the progression of alcoholism? Is it a sign of brain damage? Sometimes, it's so bad that people will remind me of things I said or did and I'll have absolutely no memory of it.
I've been drinking since I was a teenager, and it's almost always binge drinking. I used to at least be capable of drinking in moderation once in awhile, and sometimes I still can manage to drink only 1-2 drinks in a night. But that's so rare now, I can't hope for it anymore. I know I have a major problem. I just can't drink anymore. Period.
I cannot even fathom how much strength this is going to take. I spent a lot of time today crying about it. I am absolutely TERRIFIED. But I feel good about it. Strong. I'm reclaiming myself, my mind, my body, my life.