Originally Posted by jaynie04

I disagree. I think a lot of us drink because we live our lives like shock absorbers, and many of us don't have a voice or are uncomfortable using it. I think it is sad when people who are already good at beating themselves up have more negative labels thrown at them. There are a lot of us who post here and share our struggles. But there are many more who read here and don't share, because they have already absorbed some nonsense that they are damaged, they are already full of self loathing and despair, tentative to stick their necks out. To label all alcoholics as anything, can keep people feeling ashamed and pigeonholed. Most alkies who are full of **** and vinegar don't have as many issues navigating through the hotbed of recovery views. I worry about the more fragile, vulnerable and already self defeated alcoholic who can't bear taking on any more self hate. I spent years crawling out of the hole of feeling defective and flawed, I will not allow anyone to tell me what I am.

When someone like me has not learned the proper way to process anxiety, fear, stress, anger….we look for ways to survive. I don't think I am always right, and I am not selfish, I also don't see the fact that I suffer from addiction as a moral defect. Alcohol served a purpose for a while, until it brought its own trauma.

A speaker stood up in rehab and told all of us we were courageous. I believe that. I believe that everyone on this board and in the world who struggles with addiction and tries to get help is courageous. In MY opinion, most of us thrive when our validity is acknowledged. In the corporate world I was consistently rewarded when reminding people of their individual strengths and expecting the best from them. I watched young green proteges finds their own rhythm. I watched other execs browbeat those with less experience, the results were usually depressing.

Entering the recovery world for the first time the newbie encounters a lot of new language. Newbies are usually vulnerable and overwhelmed. I get concerned when rhetoric is couched as fact or experience. I use the phrases "I believe", or "in my opinion" a lot here. I am always grateful for the mods who are quick to point out to newcomers that there are a variety of ways to get sober. Those of us who have been around a while can usually discern if someone is pushing an agenda, maybe that is because something has worked for them. To me, the most obvious sign of someone who has found inner peace is tolerance….and curiosity. It is a sign of strength to say "I don't know" or "tell me more".

I had an addictions therapist who took advantage of my vulnerability. Dogma that I did not subscribe to was consistently pushed at me, she refused to accept that there was any way to get sober but the way she knew. I resisted, and early on in my sobriety she labeled me as willful or naive. I kept thinking I must be doing sobriety wrong because I was doing it my way and it was working yet I was told I was likely to fail on an ongoing basis. Then I was told I was "doing it the hard way", or that I was tenacious. In short, I was told I was an aberration. As I gained strength I started to realize how narrowed minded her views were, how she was simply churning out a recipe and that I was supposed to find a way to fit into that equation.

Thankfully, I had years of CBT with another therapist (who I had not been honest with about my drinking). That therapist had worked patiently with me to learn how to honor my inner voice, not to be dismissive of my own feelings or thoughts, and to pay close attention when something made me anxious. She helped me realize I had an inner compass and worth, getting sober was a natural consequence of realizing I deserved more and in turn could offer more.

I spent years being beaten down, at home and in school. The last thing I need is to hear that there is some grave flaw built in because I am an alcoholic. All alcoholics struggle, it may manifest differently, but no one would choose this path willingly. Those full of bluster and swagger? Likely that is simply an amplification of a personality trait. I would guess the same folk who assert their opinions forcefully here would likely do the same thing in real life. Of course an active alcoholic with a big personality is going to come across as brazen. My guess? I imagine those alcoholics are but a portion of the few whose voices don't get heard.

So no, I don't believe alcoholics are always right, I don't believe women are always right, I don't believe people with left hands are always right,……

I didn't start to get comfortable with my own sobriety until I listened to my inner voice. The most precarious times in my life have been those in which I allowed other people to define me. Being marginalized doesn't feel good to me, and I imagine it doesn't feel good to people who are still struggling. My guess is more people who are still trying to get sober need a hand getting up not a hand pushing them down. I would feel physically ill after leaving this therapist, she would constantly reframe our discussions in order to remind me I was an alcoholic. "Don't get up on your high horse, don't be too sure of yourself, I know better than you"….years of that sort of crap came flooding back from childhood. This is exactly the sort of undermining language that likely caused me to not be able to speak up and instead smile and be a good girl while finding solace in the bottle. Thank god red flags were going up for me, and thank god I had this place to come find support.

I got the sense at some point that it annoyed the therapist who was trying to get me to conform that I was finding my own way. I left her. I was afraid to speak up at first, I am finding my voice. Sobriety has reinforced my belief that recovery is not a one size fits all proposition. My guess? Boards like SR will thrive and continue to deliver support to many who need help, especially because they give people room to find their own way.