chicory---Smart of you to take the deep breath.."calm down"...and then proceed to do the next right thing. You can't do better than that, at his moment!
Actually, I don't think it went that bad! Really. Of course, he wasn't going to immediately say: "you are perfectly right, mom..tell me what else you would like me to do". It is natural for him to feel defensive, have some anger (also, probably fearful, inside), and try to defend his position. BUT..he didn't go completely berserk or hurt anyone or destroy anything.....and, he was able to do some sort of self-soothing and impulse control--because he calmed down when you gave him more information.
It is not really news that he has given up hope--doesn't see any other options. After all, didn't you express some of these same feelings about your "position" in this. Didn't you say how much getting a little hope changed your feelings? He doesn't, yet, believe that positive things can and will come his way. We know that there is help out there for him---he doesn't.
The ungodly arguments that I have had with my oldest son--you just wouldn't believe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that practicing detachment from his reactions will help you a lot---just like we practice detachment from quacking of adult partners. You have the choice to choose your reactions to him--try to remember this--I think it will help you with your fear of his anger.
If you expect him to flip and flop and say some ridiculous (to you) things....I believe you will be more able to "hang steady"
I sure do hope that whoever he sees is clued in as to the possibility that he may have undiagnosed ADD..among other things, of course.
I think you have handled this well......
dandylion